choices

The open sore on Ayshe's back oozes, and the new one on her side leaves her only one sleeping position, but she finds it hard to sleep with the smell anyhow, so she knits until about five each morning. She calls it her therapy. The beautiful old couch is draped with a blanket to catch the leaks when her Depends don't keep up with the fistula. And her ear infection has left her without appetite, but today she sits at the edge of her couch, eagerly sharing with Natasha.

Her guest twitches, struggling to make her limbs obey. The breakfast liter of vodka no longer drowns her realities, but it does remove feeling from her extremities. It's hard to make her now spindly legs walk her for the frequent runs to the bathroom, and her hand shakes between cigarettes. But she's all there, hanging on every word. At first she didn't want to come. "I'm dirty." she frankly told her friend. But Aliyona was persistent and she translates when Natasha misses a word in the local language.

Ayshe helps her to see that the drink is destroying her physically. Being insulin dependent herself, she tests her new friend and shows her that she's becoming a diabetic. "It's not that your body is telling you that you need to drink; it's trying to say that the sugars in the alcohol are ruining you." And Ayshe should know, she used to put away a liter before breakfast herself, and that after a night selling drinks for commissions. "I drank to create a rug to hide my trashy life under. I wanted a fantasy world to escape to and a way to dull the pain of who I was." Natasha nods; it's true. "But when I gave my life to Christ, He gave me a new, real world to live in with a fresh clean life. He came in and picked up the trash. I didn't need the cover anymore. When I asked him to remove the addictions, He did."

Natasha lights up again, spellbound. She nods as Ayshe explains that, yes, espccially if she hears certain music from her past, or if she's hard pressed for cash, her fingers look for the glass. "I used to do four packs a day too." she smiles. Before I opened my eyes I would feel the nightstand for my first light of the day. At night they never went out. I used one to light the next." Natasha's eyebrows go up. Cigarettes are not cheap. But money wasn't an issue. To drown her thoughts Ayshe would hire a taxi to drive her all over town for what would be two months of rent to her now. "Yes, the addictions are habits," she explains, "but when I didn't need them to hide behind anymore,Jesus gave the strength to over come them."

She stops to sip her chicken soup, holding up a spoonful. "You see this simple soup? I used to have steak at least once a day. I could buy what I fancied. But it had no taste. My friend made this soup for me, and I have never tasted anything so good. My infections remove my appetite, but I'm enjoying this." Natasha laughs. "You should be 100 kilo with so much steak!" she teases. Ayshe smiles. "When I left the life I hated, it was a step of faith. What I now live on for one month, I used to get for one night. It means choices. It means doing without and sharing my space bubble. But I sleep in peace and wake in joy and savor each day."

Natasha is thoughtful. Ayshe understands. "It's not a choice I had the strength to make on my own." she comforts. "I needed God's power to breakthrough for me personally. He showed me tangibly that He cared and would provide for me. Each person's story is going to be different, but the turning point came for me when I had no money to pay my rent, so I accepted a call from former client. He came over with the bottle, and we drank together, but all the while I was praying silently, 'O God, please, I don't want to do this anymore, please.' When it was time to service him, he laid the money on the table and we headed for the bedroom. He sat down and then suddenly stood up and began dressing. 'I'm not interested anymore.' he explained, and headed for the door. I tried to return his money, but he didn't want it. At that point God showed me that He had heard my prayer and directly intervened. I saw that He was committed to me and would provide.He's given me cleaning jobs, and I've cared for children, and now I knit and am so happy!"

"But I can't knit like this!" Natasha holds up her shaky hands grief stricken. "My dear," Ayshe says, "I shook with my diabetes too, until I got it under control. I still shake every morning until I've had my insulin." We talk together and Natasha decides to go home with Aliyona. Together they will go to get her blood sugar tested first thing in the morning. She will be away from the bottle, and her clients. Aliyona will go over details with her. She can stay and learn to work in the program, and share rent with her, while she processes her choices. But first we stop for prayer. In the Throne Room of our Heavenly Daddy Natasha hears how precious a daughter she is to Him and her worldview begins to change. With new hopes she heads home with Aliyona, hugging Ayshe tenderly before she goes. I can almost see the Light on her Path as she steps out the door.